Win: Sony Xperia U Mobile Phone!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?”

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
would that get me into Heaven ?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?’

Again, the answer was, ‘NO!’ By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! ‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?’ I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, ‘then how can I get into Heaven?’

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,

‘YOU’VE GOT TO BE DEAD’

I Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

englishman irishman and scotsman couldnt get olympic games tickets so they decided to pretend to be athletes , englishman picks up a plate goes to the gates and says hi , im a discus thrower , the gate men promptly let him in , scotsman sees a flag pole , takes it down goes to the gate and says hi im here for the pole vault .. gate man promptly lets him in , irishman sees a section of iron railings lying on a nearby building site picks it up goes to the gates and says hi , im a fencer !!!

Why did the cow cross the road….to go to the moo-vies!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

el-if-i-no ;0)

Went to the doctors and said ‘have you got anything for wind?’ He gave me a kite.

My wife hates it when I sit down to have a wee.

Particularly in supermarkets.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other,

“Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the toilet. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him; he really didn’t come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son.”
Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”
The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, “Pinocchio?”

Who says women can’t park cars. Somebody left me a lovely note on my windscreen the other day saying ‘Parking Fine’!

My girlfriend went mad at me because I never buy her shoes.

I didn’t even know she sold shoes….

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

why are pirates called pirates? because they aarrgh

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors reception.

He curiously asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
“Then why did you eat him?”

You’re on a horse with a steep drop alongside you. You’re being chased by a lion but however fast you go, he’s right behind you. In front of you is a Kangaroo but you can’t catch him up. What can you do to ensure you get out of this alive?………………………………………………………………………………………………….GET OFF OF THE MERRY GO ROUND and start acting your age! xxx

man walks into a bar. orders a pint of bitter, takes a sip and then goes to the toilet. when he returns he lifts the glass to take a sip. a man rushes towards him warning him not to drink it as the large woman in the corner has just broke wing into the drink. pointing her out the guy walks over and asks “excuse me, did you just fart in my whitbread?” “No” replies the woman. “im Tessa Sanderson”.

You spend the first 2 years of your child’s life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

What do you call a hippo with hiccups
A hiccupotomas

“Sorry dear, I didn’t mean to shout at you when I woke up”

“No Nan – I was just telling Grandad about my phones’ Sleep to Snap”

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Cause the cows got the udder!!

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn’t let me in.

I shouted to my wife, “Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?”

“Yes honey.”

“What is it?”

“It’s the date of our anniversary.”

Looks like I’m not getting on the computer any time soon.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

I was walking past Rymans the other day and it had a “closing sale” sign on the window. I went in and asked the bloke “Are you moving?” and he said “No Sir – we’re a stationary shop”

What fish sings?

A tuna fish!!

whats white and wears a striped scarf ? rupert the fridge

before I was young and handsome…now just… handsome

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hay , could I get a beer please”
The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says “No, we don’t serve food here”

Son says to his mum: Mum will you remember me in 50 Years?
Mum:Yes
Son: Will you remember me in 25 years?
Mum: Yes
Son: Will you remember me in 15 years?
Mum: Yes
Son: will you remember me in 5 years?
Mum: Yes
Son: Will you remember me in 30 minutes?
Mum: Yes
Son: Will you remember me in 30 seconds?
Mum: Yes
Son: Knock Knock
Mum: Who’s there
Son: YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ME ALREADY!

A train station is where a train stops, a bus station is where a bus stops.
On my desk, I have a work station …

I’ve just come back from the gym. They have just installed a new machine and you really need to try it, it’s brilliant. Mind you, I had to stop using it after an hour, as I felt sick. It does everything, Kit Kats, Mars, Bars, crisps, everything!

White horse walks into a bar

Man walks into a cafe and asks for “undercooked egg, burnt bacon and cold tomato” in an all-day breakfast. The proprietor looks offended and says “We can’t do that, Sir.” The man replies, “Why not? That’s what you gave me yesterday.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

I went to the paper shop today but it had blown away.

Yesterday, I saw a cowboy driving a german car. He wound down his window and said ‘Audi’

man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist , ‘Doc, I’m in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, ‘My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.’ So the dentist asks him, ‘Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, ‘Open your mouth darling , and show him

Where do you find a one legged dog?
Where you left it.

Whats blue and runs round a field?
A cow wearing a tracksuit

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? “Damn”

What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A big phone-y!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting
MOO!

How do you get Lady Gaga’s attention?

Pokerface

A: Knock Knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Europe
B: Europe who?
A: No, you’re a poo!

*Much chortling ensues*

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.

Why did the rooster run away?
He was chicken!

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar!

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it. <3 <3

Doctor, doctor. Every time I sit down, I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, every time I stand up, I see Donald Duck.”
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Have you heard of the magic tractor? It turned into a field!

What do you call a bear with no ears?

B

Walking past the pet shop I saw 2 wasps in the window, I went in and asked how much are the wasps

Petshop owner said I don’t sell wasps

I replied well you’ve got two in the Window!

Doctor I feel very stressed.
Doctor: Your problem is that you’re two tents.

Two large women with strong accents came up to the bar, I said excuse me ladies are you from Scotland. No you idiot one replied ” Wales “. Oh sorry, are you two Wales from Scotland. Sighhh

A little boy went up to his grandfather and asked, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” When the grandfather asked why, the boy replied, “Because daddy said when you croak we’re all going to Disneyland.”

A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him with a vase and goes “T’PAU!”

“Don’t you mean ‘KAPOW!’?” asks the man

“No”, says Batman, “I’ve got china in my hands”

Q: What did the fish think when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam!

During their gold anniversary, a wife reminded her husband

Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?”

The hubby replied: “Yes, honey,….. that was the happiest hour of my life.”

What’s got 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting !!

or

I phoned the swine flu hotline but all I got was crackling!!!

or

“Sadly my brother Dave drowned.
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

I’ve just bought a ready meal. It says ‘remove sleeve and film lid’. I’m sat here in a vest top and I’ve got my video camera out, but nothing’s happening.

What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

A: Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Did you hear about the Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac? He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
A Carrot!!!

a guy went into a bar and sat down next to another man. Each time the barman served the man he call him donkey. Eventually the guy asks him, why does he call you donkey? The man replied ‘he ah. he ah. he ahhhhwalys calls me that’

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish

War horse walks into a bar and the barman says, “Why the long film”?

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn

Two men were sitting next to each other at a Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

A bus driver sees two packet of crisps walking down the street. He stops and says “fancy a lift?” The crisps reply no thanks we’re walkers!

What did the leaf say to the tree? Excuse me while I blow off!

Yo mamma so ugly she joined a ugly competition but they said sorry no professionals

A man is rushes to hospital because his wife has just gone into labour with twins. He’s worried because there’s a family tradition that the first family member to arrive gets to name the baby. The man is afraid his idiot brother will be the first to show up. He arrives at hospital to sees his brother there waving. He walks unhappily in to see his wife who is scowling and holding two little babies, a boy and a girl. Almost afraid to hear it, the man asks, “What did he name the girl?” “Denise” says the wife. “Hey that’s not too bad! What did he name the boy?” “De-nephew.”

Why cant you play cards in the jungle ? There’s Too many cheetah’s !

I had to go to the doctors last week, he said ‘Would you please lay down on the couch’ I said ‘why’ and he said ‘I want to clean the floor’

My Wife and I were invited to a dinner party by our good friends John and Jackie.
Jackie put on a good show.Their best cutlery and crockery was put out and they served
some wonderful wine.
When it came to the main course Jackie offered me the potatoes,and I said “Just one please”.
Jackie replied “Now come on,Andrew don’t be polite”
So I said “alright just one potato ya stupied cow!”

As the farmer was carring a bucket down his fields he heard giggling & splashing coming from his stream. He went to investigate & saw several young ladies in the water. As he approached they called out to him that they would not come out while he was there as they were naked. The farmer smiled, swung his bucket & said ‘No worries, stay where you are, I’ve only come down to feed the alligator!’

People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.

The teacher asked her class “where are the Andes?”

little Johnny replied “on the end of my wristies!”

How do you make a polo mint laugh?

Tickle its hole

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
‘Excuse me,’ says Rhoda to the man. ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’
‘No,”‘ says the man, ‘I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’

Q: Why did the bird go to the doctor?

A: To get some tweetment

what do you call a donkey with three legs? Wonkey

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke!

Why was six afraid of seven – because seven eight nine

What do you call 2 robbers?

A pair of knickers

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

A french fry walks into the pub and says to the barman “can I have a beer please”
The barman looks at him shaking his head and says “No, we don’t serve food here”

English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a pub and the barman says ‘hang on, is this a joke?’

Who was the first person to wear a shell suit?
Humpty Dumpty

what happened after an explosion at the french cheese factory?

all that was left was de brie.

Man with wife in pub says “I love you”
Wife “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Man ” It’s me – talking to the beer”

i went to the zoo the other day,but there was only a dog in it.It was a shitzu!

Knock Knock, whose there, dr, dr who, you just said it lol

A blonde from essex goes into PC world and is having a look around when the sales assistant asks if she needs any help, the woman says im after some curtains, the sales assistant looks at her with a puzzled look and asks her why she wants curtains, this is PC world he says, Durr yeah i know she says, Iv got windows

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What would ypu like?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, they are much better cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three pints of Guiness. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine, I just quit drinking.”

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”

Ok an old one but I love it ….

How did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot!!

Laaaaame!! xx

whats brown and sticky ………………………………..A stick

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What’s ET short for?

Cos he has little legs!!

why did the chicken cross the road? to move away from the people always asking the same damn question

What starts with T ends with T and has T in the middle??

A Teapot!!

What’s red and lies in a gutter? A dead bus.

Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
.
.
.
One
Two
Onw
Two

Whats the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking down your garden path

whats orange and does not belong to you?

not-your-cheese

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Microwave it ’til it’s Bill Withers.

What is a wombat for?

Playing wom.

Channel 4 have announced a new series, where four of Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.

It’s called Scum Dine With Me.

why did the fish blush?
because the sea weed!

A horse walks in to a bar, barman says ‘Why the long face?’

. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

Teacher: Today, we’re going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say “I am beautiful,” which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Two elephants fall off a cliff. BOOM BOOM!

An Irishman walks out of a pub.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

whats brown and sticky? a stick

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what… Never again.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks

There are two rules for success…
1.Never reveal everything you know.

What flower grows on your face???

Tulips!! (two lips!)

What’s white & goes up? A confused snowflake.

Why did the baby pretzel run crying home to his mother?

Because he was a-salted.

A writing tutor asks her class to write a story which includes mystery, aristocracy and religion. One student finishes this assignment quickly and she asks him to read it out loud. He reads: “My God,” said the duchess, “I’m pregnant. I wonder, who did it?”

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because so few can dance.

I like a good anti-joke:

What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A Fridge.

An Australian walks in to a bar.

There goes their chances of any gold medals in the Gymnastics…

Q. Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A. She wanted to stretch her legs!

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Question: What is the longest sentence in the English language?

Answer: ‘I do!’

You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead!!

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can.

Q: What’s long, brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

2 olives on a table 1 rolls on to the floor the other 1 shouts down you ok , he replies olive..

Question: “How to Kill an Ant??”

Asked in an Exam for 10 Marks!!

Student:
Mix Chilli Powder with Sugar,
&
keep It Outside the Ant’s Hole..!

After eating, Ant will Search for some Water near a Water tank.

Push ant in to it.. =!!

Now Ant will go to Dry itself Near Fire,
When it Reaches fire, Put a Bomb into D fire..!!

Then Admit Wounded Ant in ICU..!! =O

And Then Remove Oxygen Mask from it’s Mouth and Kill the Ant.. !! =|

MORAL:
Don’t Play with Students.. !!
They can Do any thing for 10 Marks.

Three women are on a night out and they spot a club that says, “Women Only.”
Since they are without their husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, “All men here are short and plain.”
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, “All men here are tall and plain.”
Still this isn’t good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
“All men here are short and handsome.”
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, “All men here are tall and handsome.”
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. “There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick

When I was growing up the other children used to cover me in whipped cream,throw chocolate flakes at me and put glazed cherries on my head…life was tough in the Gâteau.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

I bought my Dad a fridge for his birthday, you should’ve seen his face light up as he opened the door!

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a ‘Fun Gi’

A duck walks into the bar and asks “got any bread?” the barman says we don’t sell bread. only drink.

This goes on for some days and, in the end the barman loses his temper and says “if you ask me for bread again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar” The ducks thinks for a while and then asks “got any nails?” the barman replies “no”. “Well” says the duck “got any bread?”

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.” “There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?” The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man

What do you call 2 lines of cabbages?

A dual cabbage way

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

A Priest was walking on a street when he saw that a little boy couldn’t reach a doorbell. So the Priest went over to the little boy and helped him ring the doorbell. Then the Priest said “what do we do now”? And the boy replied “Now We Run”!!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!

A dirty old piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

“Do you have any money?” the barman asks.

The piece of string replies, “I’m afraid not.”

Reasons Not To Exercise

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3.. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

4. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

7. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

8. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

9. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Why is a Cadbury Button rude?

Because it’s a Smartie in the nude!

*fave joke EVER and it’s a kids joke! <3

There was 3 little mice looking for somewhere to stay while visiting London & the Olympics.
They knock on B&Bs & Hotels for hours with no luck,
Finally someone takes pity on them & says they can sleep in his bathroom,
the mice squeak with delight & are shown to their room.
The 1st little mouse decides the sink looks the comfiest place to sleep, so the 2nd takes the bath & the 3rd sleeps in the toilet.
In the morning they ask each other how they slept?
The 1st little mouse says he was alittle cramped but slept well,
The 2nd little mouse says he was alittle chilly but slept okay,
But the 3rd little mouse looked rough… & told them of his bad nights sleep in the toilet, First it started raining… then bombs started dropping… & if it wasn’t for that log, I would of drowned!!!!
;-P

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration” The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.

What’s ET short for?

Because he’s got little legs.

It’s the first day of school in Scotland. The school bus stops and a little blonde girl gets on. The bus driver lady says “Oh, what a darling little girl! Where did you get those blonde curls?”

The little girl replies “From my Mummy!”

At the next stop a little redhead gets on. The bus driver lady says “Oh, you lovely thing! Where ever did you get those gorgeous strawberry curls?”

she says, “I look just like my Dad!”

At the next stop, a girl with green hair gets on. The bus driver is a little shocked, but she pulls herself together and says “My, what unusual green hair! Where did you get it from?”

All in one smooth motion, the girl puts the heel of her hand at her chin, and pushes upwards as she produces an enormous, juicy “Snoooo-r-r-r-rk!” sound from her nose. Continuing with her whole hand flat on her forehead, she pushes upward and backwards, her fingers becoming entwined with her hair.

Finally, she drops her hand and says, innocently, “No idea!”

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock Jokes?
He won the ‘nobell’ prize!

What’s a pirate’s favourite shop? AAARRRgos

Who is the best player in the penquin football team?
A. David Peckham

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Whats E.T short for?

‘Cos he’s got little legs

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

How do frogs kill themselves?

They Kermit suicide…..

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, “Hey, you just stole an electron from me!”

“Are you sure?” asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

A man walks into a bar. OUCH!

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I was at the cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Q: where do you go to weigh pies?
I don’t know – where do you go to weigh pies?
A: somewhere over the rainbow!
Eh?..
A: it’s in the song…….. Somewhere over the rainbow , weigh a pie!!!!!

Mummy can l lick the bowl
No dear flush it like everyone else

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Why did the chicken dating agency go bankrupt?
Because they couldn’t get hens to meet.

Why are Pirates called Pirates?

Cos they AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Why cannibals don’t eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

What hangs on the ceiling and smokes?
A bat with a fag!

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

I walked into a pet shop the other day, and asked the man behind the counter, “how much are your wasps?” he said to me “we don’t sell wasps”. And I said, “well you’ve got two flying around in the window!”.

What’s brown and taps on the window?
A poo on stilts.

The Telephone Message:

‘Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you – Press 5
If you want us to bring up your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To complain about school lunches – Press 8
To complain about bus transport – Press 9
LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

Saw a bloke pinching a gate,didn’t say anything,in case he took a fence

what do you call a fish with no eye?
fsh

uuuuuggggghhh lol

a blonde a brunette and a redhead are walking in a desert, the brunette says i brought a fan to keep myself cool, the redhead says i brought water to keep myself cool, and the blonde says thats dumb i brought a car door so i can stick my head out of the window

A dwarf was arrested for holding fake seances, but he escaped from custody. The headline in the paper read… Small medium at large

How do fleas travel?

They itch hike

Why was the beach wet?
Because the sea weed!
(My granchildren thought it was hilarious!)

Why did the chicken NOT cross the road……because he was a chicken !

What did the zero say to the eight?
Where d’you get the belt?!

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what… Never again

TWO MP’S Walked into GRAGS and asked for a ‘GOLD’ pasty!

why is tigger paws always dirty ,because he always playing with pooh

Joke Question: What’s big, red and eats rocks?? Answer: A big, red rock eater!!

This joke is sooooo bad, yet my husband keeps telling it to the children and they laugh each time, then a few weeks later, they will say the joke to him. I have had to endure years of it! Now I am sharing the joke with everyone here! hehe

hiya… my jokes are far too rude, heehee…

my daughter would loveeeeeeeeeeee this phone, so ive asked her for her best joke… this is what shes given me….

“WHAT DO YOU CALL A RABBIT DRESSED UP AS A CAKE?”

“A CREAM BUN”

lmaooooooooooooo i must admit it actually made me giggle anyway…

thanks for the fab competition.. would loveeee to win the phone for her..xxxxx

What did the ball do after it stopped rolling?

It turned round!!!!!!

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Why did the banana go to the doctors?………

Because he wasn’t ‘peeling’ very well!

just saw a tragic news story on tv – A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling very well!

Two Nuns called Sister Mary and Sister Francois are driving home after a late night mass.

They turn down a narrow poorly lit street.

All of a sudden Count Dracula jumps onto the Bonnet of their car.

“Sister Francois, what shall we do, what shall we do?” asks a panic stricken Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross, show him your cross” replies Sister Francois.

“Oh, you ugly so and so get off the bonnet of our car” replied Sister Mary.

Judy was passing a jewelry store one day in town. In one particular shop window she saw a fabulous diamond bracelet that she instantly fell in love with. So into the store she went.

“Excuse me,” she said to the sales lady behind the counter, “Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?”

What is the most common owl in Britain? – The Teat (tea towel)!

How do you make a Soviet gymnast lose concentration and fall off the beam? Russia.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter? Well it was amazing, he picked up a hammer and saw

Cool Teenage Martian: I was at a party on Mercury last night.

His Friend: Was it any good?

Cool Teenage Martian: No! It was really boring.

His Friend: How come?

Cool Teenage Martian: There was no atmosphere…

Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windscreen?

IT’s BUTT

two snowmen talking, one says to the other ‘can you smell carrots’

.’.’.’.'If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong’.’.’.’.

Q: How do you keep your husband or boyfriend from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

how do u make a snooker table laugh?? tickle its balls!!

Archaeologist digging near a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of £5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, a new watch, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Q-What do you call a essex girl & a skoda at the top of hill?
A-A absolute miracle!

Why do elephants have trunks?

They’d never fit all their clothes in a suitcase.

What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, Underlay!

Why do I always take two pairs of trousers with me when I go golfing?
In case I get a hole in one!

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he needed a poo!

What did the Buffalo say when his son let for college?

Bison

What do you calla Bee who is having a bad hair day?

A frisbee

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason

Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

How did the farmer fix his jeans ?
With a cabbage patch !

Q)What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A)No idea
Q)What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A)Still no idea.

Have you heard about Tesco,s new dating site?

You can get a bag for life!

Two elephants fell off a cliff…

….BOOM BOOM

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

If you forgive me I have a very touching human interest story in lieu of a joke.

My friend William recently passed away in rather tragic circumstances. He worked at the local chocolate factory and succumbed in a most unfortunate accident.

Bill was a good friend of mine. He had many friends. Known locally as a bit of a card – a bit reckless and thumbing his nose at authority. Well, last month despite continual warnings to follow health and safety regulations, regarding the deep chocolate vats, he went too far. He over stretched, fell off a top ladder and was consumed in a chocolate lake.

He funeral was well attended and as the coffin was lowered into the ground, a local band played his favourite song: “Billy Don’t Be An Aero”….

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

“Ooh!” Said the presenter, “this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks,” Paddy replied.

What did the pirate say when he got a heart attack?

Arr me hearties! xoxo

A ship carrying red paint collides with a ship carrying blue paint. All the surviviors were marooned.

Q: What did the Buddhist monk ask for in Subway?
A: Make me one with everything.

Why will you never starve in a desert?
-Because of the sand which is there (:

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?

“He’s a real fun guy [fungi].”

What’s the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Lol im SO SORRY THAT GETS ME EVERY TIME (sad) lol

Did you hear about the circus clown who got fired? He’s suing his employers for funfair dismissal.

MY LIFE!

Which fish sounds like a phone?

Herring…herring…herring…herring…herring

A man walked in to his local shop and said “I want to complain. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. The Shopkeeper replied “Those are pickled onions”.

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tags along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample and a stool sample…”
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear!!!”

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?
Russell

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

What do you get if you cross and sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper

“I took the wife to a dance at the weekend and there was a guy giving it large on the dance floor. The wife said to me “see him there 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” I said to the wife “Looks like he’s still celebrating.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.

Whats the difference between England and Spain in football? Spain can actually win something

An orange walks in to a shop and asks ….. “Do you mind if I look round?”

How many ears does Captain Spock have?

Three.

His left ear, his right ear…. and his final frontier.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.”
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

How do you know when you’ve passed an elephant?

Your eyes water and you can’t get the lid down.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

how do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill!!

Cheesy but funny!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea (no eye deer). hmmmm

Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

Sometimes you meet people in life that take your breath away… other times it’s just Asthma…

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

What did the Policeman say to his stomach?

You are under a vest

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman finally said, “Well, will you look at that. I’m getting a fax.”

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m invisible.”
Doctor: “Who said that?”

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together.”

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.”
Doctor: “Next please.”

WHY CAN’T CARS PLAY FOOTBALL?

BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BOOT!!!!

I went to seafood themed disco last week- and pulled a mussel!

Hope this is ok, my 8 year old son came home from school and told me the following joke:

Three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear are all on a plane that is about to crash.
There are only 2 parachutes so mummy bear takes one, daddy bear takes one and leaves baby bear on the plane. When they reach the bottom baby bear is standing with a big smile. Mummy bear say’s “How did you get down without a parachute?” Baby bear say’s “me no daft, me no silly, me hold on to daddies W….(I stopped him there) lol

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 999 on his phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?” A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”

a german guy,a italian and eastern european guy from poor country was showing off who was the smartest by telling something about their own country:
italian one said :we had phones 500 years ago because we dug and found cables 500 metres deep in the ground
the german said : we had phones 1000 years ago because we dug and found cables 1000 metres deep in the ground
the guy from poor country said ;we dug 2000 metres deep and found nothing

so the other guys said :soooo!!!!

the third guy said,that means we had mobile phone 2000 years ago

Two engineers were trying to find the height of a flagpole, but didn’t have a ladder. They were standing there, looking up at it when a woman passer-by volunteered to help.
She took a wrench from their toolbox, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure, measured the pole, announced ‘Five metres’ and walked away. One of the engineers shook his head and laughed: “Isn’t that a typical woman for you? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

name three types of windows? open broken and shut

A Woman is in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches
“How many peaches were in the tin?” asks the judge
“Four”she replies
He tells her that she’ll serve one month for each peach
As she is led away her husband shouts from the gallery
“And she stole a tin of peas”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.” The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Two hockey teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend hockey tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, “What the heck’s goin’ on up here? We’re havin’ a grand time downstairs!”

One of the blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant

Do you know why cannibals will not eat clowns?

They taste funny.

What do you call a Judge with no fingers?

Justice Thumbs!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of
the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A talking frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees right away from her window nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. (he can read too!)

“Miss Whack, I would like to get a £30,000 loan in order to take a
holiday,” he says.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief. In keeping with bank policy
pertaining to customer relations, she asks the frog his name.

The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, adds the fact that his dad
is Mick Jagger and that it is ok to give him the loan as he knows the
bank manager personally.

Patty explains that he will have to secure the loan with some
collateral.
To which the frog replies, “sure, no problem, I have this” and produces
a tiny porcelain elephant about half an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says, “there’s a frog at my window who says his name is Kermit Jagger, he claims to know you and says his dad is Mick Jagger…and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this thing???”

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

“It’s a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a
rolling stone.”

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

“Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!”

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
Wonkey

Sorry to any donkeys out there who may get offended but its the ONLY one i could think of at the time
Thanks lol

A man walks into a bar, He says ‘Ouch!’
It was an iron bar

What do you call two robbers?

A pair of knickers!

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down a country lane and turned into a field.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

makes me laugh every time

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
very, very annoyed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A husband & wife were going on holiday, when they got separated at the airport. The husband was frantically searching and calling her when he noticed another man doing the same.

“excuse me, have you lost your wife too?” he asked
“yes”
“what does she look like?”
she’s 5ft 10, long blonde hair, BIG blue eyes and 34DD Breasts….. What about your Mrs?”
“SOD THAT !!! Lets find YOURS !!!

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..
She in the upper bunk and he in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the woman leaned down and gently woke the man saying, ‘Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ he replied. ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Ooooh, ok!’ she exclaimed.
‘Good,’ he replied. ‘Get your own D*mn blanket.’

Two oranges were rolling down a road, one of them stopped….why?….it ran out of juice!

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet…

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush….

What do you call a zoo with no animals? A shitzu!

whats E.T short for???
because he has no legs….

What’s white and cant climb trees?

A fridge

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!’

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

what do you call a fly with no wings???

A walk!

Last week, my cousins lorry driver workmates discovered that he had been wearing French perfume – it was “lorry hell”!!!!!

It was tough getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about!

What has a botton at the top?
Legs

Sorry, that should have read “What has a bottoM at the top? Legs !”

“I stand corrected” said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

When is an apple not an apple – when its an iPad!!

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes!

why are pirates called pirates ? because they aghhhhhh

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
trump with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me, it was then that I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

why did the mexican through his wife off a bridge………………..Tequila

Whats the difference between a camera and a sock – one takes four toes (photos) and the other takes five toes

How do you know that freezer bags are male?

Because they hold everything in and you can see right through them!

I asked my girlfriend “How would you like your eggs in the morning?”
“Unfertilized” come the reply!

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it’s full of dates!

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? A: You get a short circuit.

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Jenny heard milk baths will make her beautiful so asks the milkman for 120 pints of milk. The milkman thinks there’s a mistake so says, “Do you mean 12 pints?” Jenny answers, “No, I want 120, I’m going to fill my bath with milk.” “Pasteurised?” asks the milkman. “No,” Jenny says, “Just past my boobs.”

Martin and Mary phoned Tim, an acquaintance, to give their birthday greetings.

They dialled the number and then sang ‘Happy Birthday’ together to him. When they had completed their terribly off-key rendition, they discovered that they had ‘phoned the wrong number.

‘Don’t let it bother you,’ said a strange but very amused voice. ‘You folks obviously need all the practice you can get.’

Why did the bartender get fired from the Comedy night?
Because he couldn’t remember the punchlime!

‘I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.’

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

Wonkey

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Adolf
Adolf who?
Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat’s why I dawk dis way.

Two cats decided to swim the English Channel. One was called ‘One two three’ and the other was called ‘Un deux trois’. Who do you think won?
‘One two three’ as ‘Un deux trois’ quatre cinq (cat sank)

Mummy can l lick the bowl
No dear flush it like everyone else

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that

There was a man who entered a pun contest… He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When all the christmas food has disappeared and you don’t know where it’s gone who do you ring?

The mince spy.

It’s actually:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

While driving down a country road I noticed a car smashed into a pole. I quickly pulled over and rushed over to the traumatized women asking her if she was Ok. ” I’ll let you know after I talk to my lawyer” was her reply.

A piece of string walks into a pub and the barman says sorry we don’t serve string so he says im a knot

Dalmatians can’t play hide and seek, because they are always spotted! Awww. ) Thanks.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the colour of happiness,” her mother explained. “And today is the happiest day in her life.” The child thought for a moment. “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.

alex fergurson stood outside a delorean car and shouts to giggs and scholes
you wanna see liverpool win the championship

ok not the traditional joke but a little something that happened today to me through text

My Friend – I am on a horse drawn canal boat at the moment
Me – That’s odd
My Friend – Why is it odd?
Me – What if the horse drowns!

i was actually being serious and i have been the butt of the joke of all my friends today

how do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A three legged dog walks into a Saloon Bar in the wild west……
He quickly draws his pistol and exclaims in a southern drawl
“I’m a looking for the man that shot ma paw”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Bloke see’s an advert in a pet shop window, TALKING CENTIPEDE £5000
Intrigued he buys it and takes it home in a box. After half hour he opens the box, and says would you like to go for a pint? The centipede doesn’t reply. Raising his voice the man asks again, but still no reply.
Getting angry the man thinks hes been ripped off, he shouts the question loudly, at which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says ” i heard you the first time, I’m putting me bloody shoes on!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

what do you call 2 robbers???

a pair off knickers! LOL!

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
Carrot

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

This is my 4 year olds curent joke
knock knock..whos there ? lettuce. lettuce who? lettuce in!

was cute at first but fifty times later not quite so funny !

Just come back from a baker’s funeral!….Flours everywhere

I told my mother I was turning into a mediterranean island!.She told me to stop being Sicily.

Whats invisable and smells of carrots?

Rabbit farts

What do you call a parrot in the Wild West?

A rooting, toucan cowboy

The first year or so of a child’s life you do everything to ensure they can walk and talk, as soon as they can, they are constantly told to sit down and be quiet. Can’t win hey lol

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.

What’s long, brown, and sticky?

A stick.

Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Why is a bees hair sticky?

Because… he uses a honeycomb!

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble letters this morning. Going for a poo later could spell trouble

Its an Irish one lol but my parents are Irish so i hope i can get away with this one haha.
Paddy and Martin are the only people waiting in queue outside the cinema in Galway….there waiting for a film called CLOSED FOR THE WINTER.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter

There’s a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a burly pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.

The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they’re getting on really well.

They are just about to take the A-Roads “back to their place” when a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table.

Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they’ve blown it with the A-Roads.

The first A-road asks the Motorway “Why did you go white and dive for cover when that pink piece of tarmac walked in — you’re supposed to be the king of the roads?”.

The Motorway replies, “WHY? That guy’s a Cycle Path!!”

What do you get if you sit under a cow? … A pat on the head ^_^!

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

inding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

what do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

FROSTBITE

What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog, He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Why are pirates called pirates ?
Cause they arrrrrrr matey !!

‘UK students die in Safari crash’
Bet they with that they stuck with internet explorer now.

Why was the computer cold?
because it left it’s Windows open

Paddy and Murphy stranded out in the Atlantic in a boat when a bottle floats by so Paddy grabs it…Paddy rubs the bottle and out pops a genie granting them one wish.
After 5 minutes, Paddy says,
“I ‘tink we should turn this ‘ere Atlantic ocean into a sea of Guiness Paddy seeing we are lost, We might as well die happy!”
So the genie grants them their wish and Paddy and Murphy are drinking away getting merrier by the minute.
After an hour, Murphy says,
“Paddy, I dinna ‘tink this was a good idea of yours to turn the sea into guniness!”
“Why on earth not Murphy, aren’t ya happy? Don’t ya like Guniess?”
“Yes, I love it,” Murphy replies, “but now we’ll have to wee in the boat!”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says,”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

Q: How do you speak to a monster?
A: From a long way away.

There once was a chicken named Batty …..

nope, sorry!

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I went to the zoo today there was only one thing in it a dog! It was a Shitzu

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish..

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions, Madam.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

If you are colourblind how do you tell the difference between a Elephant and a Grape

Jump round for a wee while and if you don’t get any wine then it is a elephant

n elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)

While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his starter, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her. “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.”

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Why did the Bog-Eyed teacher get fired???

Because she couldn’t control her PUPILS!

whats yellow and dangeres…….. shark infrested custurd. xxxx

A man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream for that!”

Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles

Q: What’s long, brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

man walks into a bar, with a large piece of tarmac under his arm, says to barman, large whiskey, and one for the road!

what do you know about dickens? nothing ive never been to one

Doctor, doctor! I keep drinking uncontrollably whenever I travel into a new country!

Sounds to me like you’re a borderline alcoholic…

Why did the scarecrow win a medal?

He was outstanding in his field

What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog, He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Q. Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
A. Because there were so many knights!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

what did the fish say when he swam into a wall??

dam

Two friends are out for a walk in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. His friend whips out his phone and dials 999. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the friend says: “OK, now what?”

A man breaks into a house and is startled by a sudden voice in the dark,
“Jesus is watching you!”
The burglar blunders around, trying to find the source, when again, he hears,
“Jesus is watching you!”
This time, he snaps on his flashlight and is surprised to see a parrot in a cage.
“Who the hell are you?” he asks.
“Moses,” replies the parrot.
“Which idiot would call their parrot Moses?” asks the burglar.
“The same idiot that calls their rottweiler Jesus!”

How do you hurt a robot? Kick it in the nuts!

A man buys his wife a Sony Xperia U Mobile Phone for her birthday. She loves it and he shows her all the different and varied things it can do.

Next day she goes shopping and her phone rings.

“Hi” says the husband, “how do you like your new phone?”

“I just love it!” she says. “It’s small and light and your voice is as clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that?” replies the husband.

“How did you know I was in Tesco?”

Why is there very little honey in Belgium?

Because there is only one B in Belgium

Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because its too far to walk

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she said: “I love the simple things in life but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

Why did the bakers hands smell ?

Because he kneaded a poo!

What did the number zero say to the number eight?

Nice belt!

A man is walking down the street when he meets a friend who happens to have only one arm.
“What are you up to today?” he asks his friend.
“I’m going to change a lightbulb.”
“Won’t that be VERY difficult with just one arm?” he asked
“Shouldn’t think so… I’ve got the receipt.”

one for any forum users that I came across long ago and has me laughing every time I read it.

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
10 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

My doctor told me that if I wanted to quit smoking I should try a patch.

I don’t think it’s going to help. Now I just look like a pirate.

Who looked after King Arthur’s napkins? Sir Viette.

What do you call a crate of ducks ?
A box of quackers !

When do you realise you’re too drunk to drive whilst driving?
It’s when you swerve to avoid the tree and suddenly realise it was your air freshner!

This one really made me laugh and I hope you’ll like it too. A child was asked to answer the following question for homework:
A form of marriage in which an individual only has one spouse at any one time is called ….
Answer: Monotony

The gaffer needs to check a group of Irish labourers looking for work for common sense and communication skills. He says to the group of lads “Can you give me a sentence using the word ‘fascinate’” They look at each other for a few seconds then one of them pipes up.
“My donkey jacket has nine buttons, but I can only fasten eight”

BOSS To An Employee….

“Do You Believe In Life After Death?”

EMPLOYEE…..

“Certainly Not! There’s No Proof Of It”,
He Replied.

BOSS: “Well, There Is Now. After You Left
Early Yesterday To Go To Your Uncle’s
Funeral, He Came Here Looking For You.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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Win: Sony Xperia U Mobile Phone!

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